laying in a girl’s bed, as always. the van that i live in is parked outside.
she’s sitting at her desk, watching Fortnite on a Twitch stream.
her fatass ex-boyfriend watches baseball in the living room, i think it’s the world series.
he doesn’t know i’m in here. i have been sneaking in for the past few days.
they’re in college, at the University of Redacted, and have separate bedrooms.
they “broke up” 2 weeks ago, but he’s still very much attached. i feel so warm, and a little afraid.
the girl is so lovely— she sees my genius.
her friends are tracking her location on her phone because one time she got “cornered” by a guy at a house party, because she’s really hot.
she’s a half-korean college girl who studies philosophy and has followed me online for a while now, and tells me things like “you’re the only one who gets me” and i believe her.
i only stopped in Redacted, Oregon, for her. i’ve been here for 5 days now.
i said i wouldn’t slow down for anyone but she has giant tits and love handles and the most perfect pouty lips and she’s a sensitive young man just like me.
she hides her body under baggy clothes and doesn’t allow pictures of herself on the internet and everything in her room is soft and neat.
she draws comics, she draws funny comics and gifts them to her friends and she says she sucks at it, but really she knows it’s very charming.
she’s 24, a couple years too old to be an undergrad, because she took a little gap between high school and college, and for that reason she’s just better than everyone at everything.
she says she can’t really “fall in love,” she can only pretend, so that men love her back, because it feels good to be loved.
i say i feel the same, except for right now, because i love you very much, Suzie.
her name is Suzie. She’s funny, for a girl, and adopted. she’s 5’4” but somehow significantly heavier than my ex, despite the fact that she’s— all things considered, still skinny.
not skinny, really, her body is near-perfect. she says she doesn’t exercise but i don’t believe her. she’s thin with big tits and wide hips and good posture and even her fucking feet are nice, god it hurts,
and now she’s racing to complete her homework by midnight because she’s human, just like you and me.
she’s dropped everything, shirked all her responsibilities this week just to be with me, fuck me, talk to me, because we met for coffee on Tuesday morning, rather innocently, and i wouldn’t let her go.
all her friends complain that she’s ignoring them, she’s disappeared, they don’t trust me, because who is this guy, and i live in a van, and this is insane.
we fell in love in the van, on the twin-sized bed I built into the back.
there she let me feel her breasts, which prompted me to say “if i don’t get to fuck you tonight i’m going to shoot up a school.” which made her laugh.
i probably made her laugh about a thousand times, so i felt entitled to her body.
as soon as we met i stopped seeing every other girl. and i mean that literally, i didn’t even see them. i didn’t write about girls in cafes, i didn’t gaze longingly at those college sluts in halloween costumes, i was just locked in to suzie hwang for 5 days straight and that’s it.
but she wouldn’t let me have her completely.
she says she feels like she’s always acting during sex,
i say: yeah, me too, i guess,
she says it would be easier to fuck me if she didn’t like me so much,
i say: what?
she says she holds back because she doesn’t want to cry.
i say: isn’t that the best it ever gets..?
i’ve been trying very hard to understand why she won’t submit, and i think she has too. but the more we analyze it, the worse it gets.
she says she’s in love with me, and acts like it too— she has done my laundry cooked my food snuck me into her apartment teased me furiously, doesn’t want me to leave, canceled all her plans with her friends for me…
but then we get to fucking and she just stares straight ahead, like this:
i worry she has some kind of sexual-PTSD-trauma-response; she just shuts down and dies as soon as it becomes clear i’m going in.
I had been prying her all week, trying to understand what turns her on. We had practically spent all of the last three days together.
She told me “Today I was tweaking in class, thinking about you” I asked her “which class” she said “all of them” I smiled.
I asked her Ok.. so you want it now?
She said “I don’t know…” for the hundredth time.
I rolled my eyes and said Well then I’ll decide for you.
and I did. I had been hard long enough. Her body was unfair. She hides it under baggy clothes because she doesn’t want that kind of attention, but her breasts and her hips and everything about her made me feel as if I had no choice. I followed her into the shower and tried to fuck her there. It didn’t work mechanically and also she didn’t want to do that.
I cannot conceive of a girl who invites me into her bedroom not wanting to fuck me. it does not register as real to me when I look into her eyes and kiss her and stroke her pussy and she does not wetten in response. I was incredulous all week long. I still don’t get it.
I know she likes me, and every other girl who has ever liked me becomes an animal when I start to touch them. I can’t tell if every other girl has just been acting or this girl is somehow broken. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.
With every other girl I can feel their heart rate increase, their breaths shorten, they make new sounds I haven’t heard before, my effect is obvious, and this makes me happy, for some reason.
But with this girl, I could not make her feel anything. After making her laugh all day long and getting her to give me the adorable puppy dog eyes, we had so many moments where we would just stop and stare at each other, indulging in new love, and after all that, i’m on top of her, being made insane by her body, and she feels nothing.
I know she’ll never “consent” to sex so I tell her to jerk me off until I get angry and retarded, then, and then, once she’s done that, looking in my eyes, adorably, even lifting her shirt so I can see her big fat stupid tits,
which dear god that visual of her lifting it up for me while maintaining eye contact, i’m going to kill myself, okay, but then, that’s when I take her two hands above her head using just one of mine and deploy the other to massage her lower body and tell her to just relax. look at me and relax, it’s okay, relax, susie relax, you can only enjoy it if you relax, relax, relax.
she relaxes, a little. not enough. i’m still going to have to force it in. now she’s just staring at me blankly. she would hold that expression for the next 12 minutes. she kept her legs locked, thighs kissing, and she’s pretty strong, so despite my struggle i could not enter through the front door.
i knew i would have to flip her over. when i tried to do that she stiffened her whole body like a board, to try and stop me. i’m starting to feel haunted. but i know i have to do it. there’s no turning back. she doesn’t make a sound. she doesn’t tell me to stop, she just continues to stare at my face, blankly, perhaps dissociating.
i’m a man so i’m stronger than her so i flip her entire stiffened body, force her down flat, and finally after three days of romantic torture I slip my throbbing dick inside. she doesn’t make a sound. she doesn’t react. her face is now buried in the sheets. i want to say “i’m sorry” but instead i say “oh fuck” because she feels pretty good. i can’t exactly “clap her cheeks” like i want to because she has roommates, including her boyfriend, asleep in other rooms.
she feels good. i’m not going to cum, i just took a pill that makes you hard forever. i can’t get her to make any sounds, and it’s really pissing me off. this has never ever happened.
my dick, my whole performance is making her feel nothing— it’s killing me. i’m losing the ability to enjoy the sex because of this. i wish desperately to know what’s going on inside her head. i’m starting to feel lonely behind her like this so i stoop down to her head and ask her, no, tell her, “flip over so i can look you in the eyes” — and she does.
now that i’ve made it clear i’m just going to take it, now she complies. she flips over and i force my way in again, a little easier this time, and we have the most haunted missionary ever.
she fucks like a ghost. not a single facial expression produced in 10 entire minutes of face to face missionary sex. her big soft tits are bouncing up and down in front of me, just like she told me they would. she also told me her mom wants her to wear tighter shirts, to show off what she’s got, and i thank god this girl is sensitive and disagreeable enough to not take that advice. i really love her. i wish she would smile now like she’s been smiling at me for the past 3 days. she’s really tired and so am i. i can’t tell if the expression on her face is sad or just blank. people tell me i look sad or angry when really i’m just thinking.
pathetically i need to know what she is thinking. i want to say “i feel like you hate me” but that’s something girls say to me when i’ve got them right where i want them, so i don’t say that, instead i just lean in, panting, sweating, and say: thoughts?
i do not remember her response. i don’t think she had one. maybe: uhhhhh. i just wanted to confirm she was lucid, alive, she was experiencing this too, that she hadn’t completely zoned out in some kind of PTSD trauma response, i wanted to know if she was present here with me.
the worst moment for me was when i saw her as a girl i might fuck at an asian massage parlor, like how people morph into other people in dreams— but even then, those girls feel so much more pleasure and connection with me than this girl was right now.
i wanted to apologize, but my dick had other plans.
i said something like: “I want to cum inside you so bad but i don’t want you to take plan B, so I’ll just—”
and she cut me off: “It’s fine if you buy it. it’s $20 on campus.” and I said “oh fuck that, okay, yeah” and within 10 seconds had a really nice orgasm deep inside her body.
it’s not like she hated it, or she was cringing in pain, she just felt nothing, so to me it kind of felt like a rape.
afterwards she told me “you have a nice shaped dick” and: “you have a body like an EVA” which is true, and made me laugh.
the next day, she told me she was thinking about what I did, in class, “getting hot” about it.
what the fuck? you dissociate in real time but then you fantasize in retrospect? how? why?
my theory is that she’s a control freak. she can’t let anyone else make her cum. she can’t let anyone be better than her, smarter than her, funnier. unfortunately i am all of those things at once, so she gets very frustrated on our dates, which is extremely cute, and i love her a lot.
and now she’s curled up around my legs, on the bed, like a cat. i’m feeling her back pressed against my foot.
she teases me for being “skinny”— i’m not skinny, i’m lean.
i haven’t been eating much because i’m literally homeless now and i guess all the guys in Redacted Oregon are fat, so she calls me a “skinny faggot” and scratches my abs like a kitten and marvels at the veins in my skin.
i wanted to do a field report on Oregon, the place, but really i’ll just be typing about Suzie, the person. i need to know if she’s on antidepressants because that would be the simplest explanation for why she fucks like that. she tells me she wants to do it again. she wants to try to be good for me. it’s all so heavy and strange. i need to go buy some plan B.
> she’s a control freak. she can’t let anyone else make her cum. she can’t let anyone be better than her, smarter than her, funnier.
The female orgasm is something superfluous and also unsexing. The female orgasm is almost always nothing but a product of the stimulation of the clitoris, which is the same organ as the glans in men, so there isn’t really a female orgasm so much as there is a male orgasm and an incidental male orgasm in women. There is a much higher rate or orgasm in women through masturbation than through sex, and women who have clitorises further away from their vagina tend to have less orgasms during sex if any. Orgasming as a woman is almost as deviant and hedonistic as anal sex, because it is completely vestigial and not even a female trait. When women want men to make them cum in sex, they are losing control of their self control and allowing themselves to be unsexed by essentially having a male orgasm. This loss of control is represented metaphorically in the loss of control of their bladders during orgasm, which people erroneously distinguish as “squirting” (it is literally almost entirely urine).
For men, it is quite different. Because the male orgasm is actually necessary for the continuation of the human race, we produce sperm all the time and if we don’t ejaculate we will just end up developing blue balls or ejaculating at night. I don’t mean to attack the nofap crowd but even they experience frequent nighttime evacuations of their seed. Women on the other hand could go their entire lives without experiencing an orgasm and not even feel it. Women tend to get horny on a monthly cycle (ovulation) while men’s horniness is much more like the error function. It only goes up but there is a limit to how horny you can get.
What I’m really trying to say is, this woman is in the correct mentality. Women should be embarrassed of their orgasming and should not want it to happen during sex, and when it does happen it means they lost the sex. Every time a woman orgasms she has lost the sex, not won it.
Jesus christ that title was something lol. Thought you went ape shit.
I'm going to be honest with you, I really like reading your blog as a case study (if it's even real but idc) but this is legit miserable. I don't envy you at all, but I do hope you find your way and if this is what makes you tick I can't judge. I guess artistic types just be like that sometimes.