Worst Driver Ever

I am the most Sensitive Young Man on the road

driving to work. 70 mph on the highway. girl drives up beside me in a blue honda fit. i catch a glimpse of her face… asian.

we leapfrog each other in traffic one too many times. she can tell i’m trying to drive beside her, so i can see her face again.

i’m in front of her now. she switches lanes and drives up beside me once more. i sense her car approaching in my side view and a bit of blood rushes down to my penis. the human brain is so awesome. i see her face again. i realize she’s over 30. i no longer care. goodbye.

every morning i drive alone in the carpool lane to save 12 minutes on my commute. nothing ever happens.

until today a cop finally pulled me over,

he asked why are you alone in the carpool lane,

I said don't worry officer, my girlfriend's in the trunk!

he didn’t get the joke. stupid normie

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I drive by hundreds of cars, alone in the carpool lane, every day

they all see me doing this

and they hate me

and i can feel that they hate me

and it makes me sad

and isn’t that punishment enough?

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my friends all think I’m a bad driver, really I’m just a bad person who happens to be driving.

my problem is that I’m such an empathic sensitive young man who really gives his full attention to people, especially when we’re locked together in such a small physical space, that it causes serious lapses in focus and judgment on the road, resulting in screeching stops, missed exits, just an endless onslaught of retarded mistakes.

my passenger holds the arm rest for dear life, squeezing just a little harder in response to each unforced error. he may be generally anxious due to a sedentary lifestyle but I can tell I’m making it worse— because I’m an empath.

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i drive wearing earplugs and noise canceling headphones over the earplugs because i’m too much of a sensitive young man to endure the sounds of the road. apparently it’s illegal to be a sensitive young man in this country.

you don’t understand officer. i do this because i get so overstimulated on the road— with all the loud sounds, and this calms me down, which actually makes me a SAFER DRIVER, so it’s fine.

i am possibly autistic. so very sensitive. i’m not even listening to music, just pure, sweet silence.

i see truckers wearing them all the time. and if hearing is an issue, why is it perfectly legal to blast your subwoofer playing rap music like i hear from so many otherwise gentle scholarly urban youths? sounds like a much greater distraction to me.

please don’t arrest me, my parents are broke and I have no friends. even my readers on substack hate me. there is no one to bail me out. i’m just a hopelessly sensitive young man.