I Sold My Soul for Adderall
And here's how it's going
16 months ago I started taking Adderall. Because I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, which was to write and produce books, and I knew that Adderall would help me do that.
I had a full-time in-person Marketing job, in Seattle. Boss would let me come in whenever I wanted, because he trusted me. “As long as you get the work done!” but by April I was over-sleeping more and more, because I really didn’t give a fuck about the job, all I liked was writing.
I wanted to keep my job, and I wanted to produce more writing, and I knew that if I just got up at the same time every day and took Adderall then I could 1. Regulate my sleep schedule and 2. Produce a lot more glorious smut.
I had taken it on and off in college, buying it from friends when I needed to Lock In and transcend myself, to focus on other shit I wasn’t really interested in.
So I used my big-boy health insurance to find a big-boy doctor and I took a Zoom call with him one morning before work and told him “I think I have Adult ADHD!”
He asked like 40 questions: Do you have trouble focusing? How’s your sleep? Family history? How did you do in school? How do you like your job? Blah Blah Blah… I answered them all in exactly the way that indicates I need the stimulants. Without coming out and saying, directly, I need the stimulants.
His name was Doctor Sun. We never met in person. He gladly prescribed me the pills. We started at a low dose, 5mg IR. He said if it “doesn’t work” you can “ramp up over time.” Okay, sure doc!
I got the pills and of course they work, it’s meth. Suddenly I was a lot better at my job. My coworkers were impressed. Wow, you’re really doing a good job lately! Keep it up James! Yeah I fucking know, I’m drugging myself to please you people.
I also started to write, a lot more, in the morning, with my full attention.
It helped me dissociate. I stopped caring so much that someone might read it. I did it just for the love of the game. I started to write about how much I hated my job and how I felt trapped in my relationship and I wouldn’t send it to anybody, it was all just for myself.
I started lying to the Asian Zoom Guy, who was officially my “psychiatrist” but really was just an effeminate man who sold me pills—I started telling him they weren’t “working” so that he would give me larger doses, not so I could take them, but so I could horde them. Because I knew that one day I wouldn’t have a job any more, and I wouldn’t have health insurance, and when that day came I wanted to have as much adderall as possible on-hand so that I could… do exactly what I’m doing right now.
My girlfriend noticed these pill bottles piling up by our bedside table. Over the course of months. I don’t know why I kept them all out in the open like that. Maybe I just enjoyed the comedy of it all.
I would crush them in halves, or quarters, my stockpile grew and grew. I would take huge doses on weekends and go into coffee shops and write all the stuff you may have seen at the beginning of this blog. The “I am cheating on my girlfriend and I don’t know what to do”-stuff.
It was April 2024 then and it’s August 2025 now. Here’s how it’s going: