I Should Run Away

my whole life is so fucked, i should just run away, 

i’m thinking about how i would do it, what i would say to my girlfriend or my boss, if anything at all,

how far i could go before i end up dead or in jail,

how much debt i could accumulate before they stop giving me credit cards,

how long could i stretch these pills,

how long could i go without contacting my family, knowing i’m making them worried sick,

how long before someone squeals about the blog, and everyone finds out what I did, and it spreads fast, and so before i can react or adjust, everyone from my past life reads in horror as i degrade myself and my girlfriend anonymously online in vivid detail,

revealing myself day by day not as the person they thought they knew but actually as some prolific sex addict creep, while in physical reality i become ever more decrepit and homeless,

and so the blog gets more attention, and i make a little money, but it’s not enough, or my fucking Stripe account isn’t set up properly, so when my car breaks down i don’t have the money to fix it,

so i’m stuck in Shitsaw Montana, or wherever, and they don’t have wifi, so i can’t find a mechanic or even a place to charge my phone, and they keep kicking me out of the Shell Station despite my respectful requests, and so now i’m just homeless out here scribbling in a physical notebook because i can’t even access the internet, and i’m hungry cold and sick and now even horny for that fat disgusting mexican lump of a woman who works at the Shell station,

so my animal instincts take over and cause me to try and rob the place, but i’m not as athletic as i once was, my reactions aren’t quite as sharp cause i ran out of adderall, so they pin me down easily, before i can even reach the Slurpee machine,

and then i’m in the Shitsaw County Jail, no phone no laptop don’t remember anybody’s number cause it’s all digital now, but at least they must have internet back there, somebody must have a computer, so i ask them can you look up PetShop.com on google and give me that number, that’s the place i used to work, and they’re a bit confused by this but i look like i know what i’m talking about so they oblige, and they dial up PetShop dot com, and it’s Susan from PetShop and how can I help you today?

I tell her hi Susan it’s James, remember me, i’m in a bit of a bind and i know it’s rich for me to be asking you for a favor considering i just no-contact left the company and stole the laptop and everything, but if you feel like doing a good thing for a person today could you find Natalie Thompson on facebook, that’s my girlfriend, well, was my girlfriend, could you find her on facebook and tell her i’m in the Shitsaw County Jail, and that it was never her fault, and i know it must have seemed like you were never good enough for me, but i want to tell you here in my own voice that you were not the problem, i am a lifelong 24/7 liar and fraud and there was nothing you could’ve done to prevent this, you are universally loved and your impact is good and i will never forget you, even in death, and the meaning of my life is in all these words, it always was, i know this for sure now and so i’ll always be free.

and in the end— are you not entertained?