My Racist Sexist Van Life: 3 Month Update

where do you park overnight? where do you shower? many important questions

We interrupt this racist sexist clown show to give a 3-month update on Van Life, reporting live from Quartzsite Arizona.

I live in a 2005 Chevy Astro van. I have no sink, no toilet, nothing…

I have a $20 Planet Fitness Membership which is where I shower every night, no matter where I am, because there’s a Planet Fitness in every city in the USA. Those parking lots are filled with van lifers for this reason. I never talk to any of them.

the roof racks make people think i’m a real person with a “job.” #stealth

Where do you park overnight?

Anywhere. Nobody gives a shit. Ever.

In the few times they have, I just say SORRY!!! and move my van elsewhere, because it has wheels.

Usually I sleep in suburbs. I play it by ear…

Really I just go to places where black people aren’t. Places where the ground is flat, so I’m not slipping off the bed in the middle of the night. Places where it’s quiet, and dark.

Nobody ever cares. I get some of the best sleep of my life.

There was one time in Oregon I got “the knock” by some public security officers. I was in a Rec Center parking lot, watching a movie.

They said “open up!” and so I did, and they said “woah dude… sick setup.”

one girl called these the “fuckboy lights.” shut the fuck up you stupid bitch

How do you heat yourself? Isn’t it cold?

Yes, especially up north, at first. So I got an electric blanket for $25 at a convenience store, that plugs into my big portable Bluetti battery, and that is all the heating I ever use, in my sleeping bag, at night.

I also have a propane heater, but I don’t use it much, because the Co2 makes me woozy and I can’t fall asleep with it on or I’ll die of monoxide poisoning. The electric blanket is almost always enough.

this thing scares all the hoes. it looks like a bomb

I charge my Bluetti while I’m driving, or at Planet Fitness, or at coffee shops while I work. That’s where I spend the vast majority of my time— coffee shops.

What do you do all day?

i set up camp. i lock in

Here’s a typical Van Life day for me:

1. Wake up in the van. Pop an Adderall. Roll out of bed and find a place in the world to take a piss. I just piss everywhere, on everything, like Calvin and Hobbes.

2. Google “coffee shop near me.” Find one that looks like it has:

• comfortable seating

• outlets

• *bonus points if it’s near a college, so I can be happily tormented by passing females all day long

3. Go to coffee shop. Buy $5 latte. Ask for bathroom code (in low-trust areas like LA) and the wifi password. Wash face in sink. Take a mirror selfie.

4. Fall into a deep trance where I write as much as I can before my lizard brain compels me to open Google Chrome and start gooning to the Rest of The Internet… With any luck I tire of this and get back to work writing these stories or finding new girls victims for inspiration.

   

   please don’t tempt me izzy

5. This goes on all day, sometimes I get so lost in this process I’m hunched over staring at a screen from 7AM to 4 PM— the only thing that compels me outside is the fact that it’s getting dark, and I need to see the sun.

6. Then I google “running trail near me,” find a nice spot, go for a run. If weather permits.

7. Drive to “planet fitness near me” and lift weights if I’m feeling particularly bad about myself that day, get naked in front of a bunch of other dudes, usually mexicans because it’s Planet Fitness, take a shower,

8. get dinner, get back in the van zip up the sleeping bag and go to sleep. Slight variations for side quests. There are no weekends. I never know what day it is. It doesn’t matter.

if you look like this and live in The South, DM me immediately. It has been 23 days since I’ve felt the touch of a woman. I’m going to kill myself

Don’t you get lonely?

NO!

But… how do you fuck?

With little regard for the consequences. Life is short man.

I’ll just be straightforwardly autistic about it: I have fucked 5 girls since becoming homeless in October. 3 of them were readers. 2 of them were in the van. 1 of them nourished my soul. She has since blocked me. Fuck my life.

my curtains are much worse than this but they get the job done

I don’t prefer to fuck in the van… it’s more of a last resort. We just drive to a relatively remote location and put the blinds up.

How do you choose where to go next?

Vibes. I choose the next city based mostly on Vibes.

So far I’ve let the winds of change (side quests, females, craigslist) take me from place to place, as long as it’s all in the same general direction— South from Seattle to LA, East across the country, and so on. I want to do a great big circle.

my progress as of mid January. a great big L

But where do you shit?

In a coffee shop. Every single morning. Once and then never again. I thought this would be a problem but I’m perfectly regular so it literally has never once been.

Caffeine is my friend. I am willfully addicted to coffee. I drink exactly 1 cup every day. Your mileage may vary.

Where do you do laundry?

Anywhere. Friends’ apartments, girls apartments, laundromats. Every 2-3 weeks.

Somehow the laundry does not stink up the van. I keep it in one of those big blue IKEA bags. The fact that I can never hang my clothes means that I have to use dryers and shrink everything, which sucks, but hey—sometimes you gotta sacrifice.

The Swedes make good stuff

What do you eat?

Food is my #1 expense, because I don’t have the technology to do any real cooking in here (my 500W battery isn’t strong enough to power a cooktop or electric stove, you gotta shell out thousands for those big boys),

Cooking is not worth the time/effort for me right now. I’m no off-grid survivalist guy, I just go to Starbucks and get a coffee and a sandwich and then when it gets dark I get a couple slices of pizza or a burger and I call it a night. Yeah I know, seed oils.

I don’t need a ton of food, I’m 150 lbs, Mr. Skeleton Man feels just fine don’t worry, I got peanut butter sandwiches for when I’m in a pinch, I got some fruit in a cooler, I’m still kind of figuring this out but I don’t do anything special for food.

My number 1 dinner meal is a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese for $4 from McDonalds (app). 800 calories, good protein, tasty, I like it. I feel like Donald Trump.

Are you happy?

Yes. I’m happy as I’ve ever been. I love being alone.

If I’m ever lonely I’ve got the whole entire internet, every movie ever made, I’ve got Hinge, I’ve got “bars near me,” but honestly that feeling rarely ever comes because I’m so enamored with the work— whenever I feel lost/don’t know what to do I just write that down and the problem solves itself.

How long will you do this for?

Until I have a reason to stop. Until I get bored of it.

Until this ’05 Chevy Astro with 175k miles on it breaks down and it’s prohibitively expensive to get it back on the road.

^ That day hasn’t come yet but I know it will. Sometimes it barely starts and it scares me, but then it goes several weeks starting perfect every time. I just get oil changes and pray.

I have no desire to return to normal life. I was so bored living in the same place doing the same thing with the same people fucking the same girl looking out the same window at the same view going to the same job dealing with the same bullshit every single same fucking day..

I fear I’ll never go back, I’ll just be a wandering Peter Pan Man-child out on the road forever. I don’t think much about Forever though. I’ve still got a lot of America to go through, I’ve barely even started.

I want to do a full circle around the US. Seattle, SoCal, Miami, NYC, Chicago, back to Seattle. If I don’t have a book’s worth of stories by then I may as well just kill myself.

How Do You Make Money?

I don’t. I live on Dogecoin and a dream. I find gigs on craigslist. One time I massaged this guy at his Gay Ranch. I make a little on Substack. Thanks if you paid sub by the way. I hope to make money on a book. I only need about $20k per year to maintain my wonderful homeless life.

Are the stories real?

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