Why Ron DeSantis Wears Heel Lifts

i saw a video of Ron DeSantis on twitter walking a little funny. his shoes looked weirdly empty at the ends, in the toes.

i saw a video of Ron DeSantis walking a little funny. his shoes looked weirdly empty at the ends, in the toes. 

they’re called lifts. you buy them for $30 on amazon and stick them in the heel of any shoe you own and you can be 1-3 inches taller. epic male life hack.

but if it is ever discovered that you’re doing this— cheating on your height, you are deemed the most ugly stupid faking insecure pathetic loser on earth. so you can’t tell anybody and you can’t make it obvious. 

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i have been wearing heel lifts consistently for the past couple years. i don’t think anyone can tell.

ron desantis shares my unfortunate pathology. he knows that everything is a show, people believe what they see. and you’d rather be a 6’1 guy than a 5’11 guy. you’d rather be a little more physically persuasive, all the time. yeah it’s just an inch or two, but over time, here and there, it makes a difference, is what you tell yourself.

i don’t even know how tall Ron is supposed to be, but i get the feeling he’s like me — already pretty tall, but it’s just never enough.

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it started out only on special occasions — dates, bars, socially demanding settings. then it was every time i left the house. like a girl with makeup. no one ever noticed but i could feel them there, always.

then, one night i was at a concert, on shrooms, feeling the pain of the lifts outweigh the joy of being 6’1,

i was compelled to remove the lifts from my shoes in the bathroom

i went back out and within 10 minutes i was making a genuine sloppy physical connection with some random girl in the crowd, which was the whole point of going out anyway

i lost myself in her and forgot that i left the heel lifts in the bathroom

i never went back for them

and never wore them again

the end

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