Tonight I finally decided to do it. I grabbed the white claw from the fridge and tidied up the apartment and set the music and left alone to my car at about 10 PM on a Monday night to drive alone up to the red light district: Colfax Avenue.
High on adrenaline and fear, I fought my inner monologue as I walked to the car: She’s going to be dirty, she could have an STD, and if she does, you’ll give it to your girlfriend, and then she’ll not only know you cheated but also acquire an STD, and she’ll lose trust in you, forever, and your relationship will be effectively over, and you’ll lose the best thing you’ve got going in your life.
Statistically, none of that will happen, though. Statistically, she doesn’t have an STD, because prostitutes are freaks about condoms, I know this from experience, and you won’t catch anything, and GF will never find out. I don’t know the exact numbers, but I am sure this is the most likely outcome. I continue to my car.
I’m mostly doing it just so I can stop thinking about doing it. Ever since my pal Carl took me down this road in June and I realized this is the most realistic way to fuck a relatively hot girl who’s not my girlfriend and get away with it, I have been plotting and contemplating this day for months.
All of my writing has become about girls. How I want them. How beautiful they are. Etc. This can’t go on. I want to move on. And I think that maybe what I need to move on is to fuck another girl. ANY other girl. She has to be hot, of course, or it’s a chore, but I think that this excursion might satisfy me mentally for some time, so I can go back to writing about anything else.
It’s hard to get a clear estimate of what it will cost. I know that the prosties on Colfax will tell you to drive them to a nearby motel where they charge hourly (how convenient), but I really want to take one of these girls to my place instead. I only live 20 minutes away. It would be way more intimate and fun, I know. She can drink a little. I can play music. Get to know her a bit, have a human connection. I know it will be more enjoyable if I can take her home. I’m willing to pay extra for it, obviously.
I leave the apartment with $150 in cash pocketed. I won’t spend more than that to have sex, period. That’s probably more than they’re worth. But I figure I might need a little extra to get them to come home with me.
I roll up to the Ave and cruise at 25 mph in a 30, behind another guy who does the same. He is also clearly looking for a prostitute. The street is remarkably dry tonight. I came through here with my girlfriend a few Friday nights ago and it was ripe with viable pussy. Surprisingly so. They were everywhere. If I wasn’t with her, that night was the night.
This night was not the night. The streets were scarce. I counted two or three girls worth a second look. A lot of fatties. None clearly under age 25. I went up the avenue, turned around, came back up, and turned around again.
On my second turn, I swerved left onto a side street and then did a weird jerky right before noticing the cop car parked right nearby, who saw the whole autistic affair.
His car started moving to face me, I swear he rolled a little in my direction, I went FUCK, fuck, fuck, okay I’m not here for anything illegal, just turning around, i’m preparing my story. I considered actually telling him I came to see the prostitutes, like for research, like: “wow, there are really prostitutes out here huh, my friend told me about this and i couldn’t believe it was real in this current day and age but i came out here and here they are! you guys should really do something about that… anyways i’m just turning around to go home and read the bible now”
- these are the actual words i would’ve said to him if he came up to me and asked about my reasoning for swerving left off Colfax hastily onto a back street - but thankfully, fucking thankfully, he decided not to follow me. maybe he could see that it was just a scared kid in the grey BMW with anime stickers and he said to himself ah, it’s not worth my time. go get ‘em champ.
I accept that the avenue is crawling with more cops than suitable mates, so I get back on Colfax for one last hurrah before heading back to my place.
About 3 minutes past the cop car I see an actual hot woman with a nice face who I would probably enjoy sticking my penis into and I strongly consider turning right onto another back street, parking and walking up to her— but her location is too central. She’s too visible. The cops and their walky-talkies are probably already on the lookout for grey BMW with anime stickers on it anyway so I turn into a gas station instead and get some gas. Mostly to give myself time to think.
The conclusion I come to while getting gas is this: it’s not worth it. Come on a different night. Come on a weekend. The selection here is so not worth it right now.
and so i drive home.
i just drive home.
but i learned a couple things. one is that the optimal strategy is probably just to be a guy walking down the street. you don’t have to be Fast and Furious with the pick up. you can just park nearby and walk. walking’s not illegal. also i should come earlier. it’s probably way more active at about 8 pm when the sun is going down and the boomers are out of their shit jobs and the girls still have a little sunlight on their skin.
i also learned that there are a ton of cops out there, so you have to be careful. i was expecting it to be all hookers, no cops. it was mostly cops. it seemed really easy to get yourself into trouble as a dumb John out there at 11 on a random Monday.
I try again tomorrow.
2
I return at like 3pm the next day because I got quite a bit of work done and decided to reward myself. It was now or never, for some reason.
The street was even drier in the day. Even fewer girls than last night. Fewer cops too, thankfully, but the selection of girls was disappointing. I drove through a few times, which of course took hours because traffic, until I found the confidence to park somewhere on 95th Avenue and walk out there with my sunglasses and pretend I wasn’t obviously cruising for a hooker in broad daylight.
I walked by a few of them and they weren’t desirable, they also weren’t nearly as inviting as they were when I was in a car. I just walked by. I eventually saw one girl that looked fuck-able. Her face could have been under 25. Her body was sufficiently magnetic. Bouncy. Pretty pretty. Pretty different from what I have now, which is what I was going for. Maybe hispanic. In a pink thin lingerie slut costume. Decent breasts, barely clothed. She was the only decent girl out there, to my eye.
After passing her for the third time, back in my car now, I decided: fuck it, I’m going to turn around and drive up to her. I drove up to her. Near her. Acknowledged her. Gave her a knowing smile. She waved cautiously. The hookers were so afraid today, in the sunlight. I parked 10 feet past her, she doesn’t turn to face me, she remains watching the street. I walked up to her from behind. Terrible mistake, you’re not supposed to do that with women in general, but those were the circumstances. Do I get any points for knowing it’s a mistake?
So I come at her from the side. I say hey. She says Hi. Her name is Maria. She grabs her hair and I immediately recognize her as nervous. She says you want a date? I say yes. She says 200. I say wow, I have 140. She says ahh 140? maybe we can do a quickie. She’s not taking me seriously. She acts like she doesn’t have time for me. I say I was looking for like an hour. She laughs me off. This stupid little bitch has no idea how much she’d love to spend an hour with me. It would hit her maybe 40 minutes in. She would realize that she should be paying me for this, she can’t believe what she’s feeling right now. She would feel haunted. She would feel something. For the first time in months, I bet. Stupid fucking bitch.
I say “Ah well, I guess it’s good to know.” She says “Maybe next time” and brushes me off. I go Ha Ha. And walk back to my car and go oh well. I wasn’t even dead set on fucking her anyway. She was my “this is the best option available right now and I’ve already spent so much time here” pick. A Sunk Cost Slut.
I might’ve gone for it if she wasn’t so rude and brash. I can’t justify spending $140 on a “15-30 minute” “quickie.” Though it is kind of hot to imagine her making me cum very quickly and not needing the whole hour, I came here for a reason. I don’t want to just cum inside a condom inside some bitch and move on. I want to remember this. I want to take my time and I want her to take hers. I want her to enjoy it as much as I know she can. But like hypnosis, the subject must be willing to participate. And she reeked of the same attitude of most common prostitutes: we’re going to do this as fast as possible, and I don’t care at all. And that’s not enjoyable for me. That’s not worth any of my money.
That’s a fat chunk of text no one’s ever going to read. Maybe we’re getting somewhere. Amen. 🙏
Nigga doing some serious weightlifting with the term Sensitive Young Man
Are you the real life Ikari Shinji?