Hey, I like your cosplay. You were at the convention today right?
Did you see the AMV that won the contest?
The one about the girl who only loves fictional men. The girl who cannot settle for any man in reality because those boys in romance manga are just so perfect, no one can compare.
Are girls really like that? Are you like that?
I bet you are. I bet you are from the way you’re sitting in the corner right here, scrolling through your phone in the club.
The tragedy is that you’re so beautiful, you deserve real love. But you’re consumed by fiction. You’re in love with a story. Not a person. It’s just like guys and their porn. How could a real flawed person ever compare to the perfection on the screens. They can’t. And the longer you do it the harder it is for you to love someone like everybody else can. You start to think you’re broken, you can’t look people in the eyes, none of your relationships feel real, all you want to do is hide out in the bathroom and open the Instagram Explore page and— Sorry, I mean, read romance manga.
I used to run a TikTok account where I recorded and posted “Boyfriend Audios” — that’s like, I’m sure you know this, just based on your outfit and your posture, it’s when someone speaks into the microphone real soft and sensual like he’s the listeners’ boyfriend. It’s like a role play thing.
Apparently a lot of girls are really into it. It’s like ASMR but more para-social. It’s like, most girls don’t exactly watch porn. They can’t. It’s too much for them. It’s terrifying, who wants to see a guy’s dick. But they’ll read about it. And they’ll listen to it. They’ll imagine it. Less is more. I must assume that they touch themselves to my audios, based on the responses. It’s unsettling.
At first I thought — whatever, all of the internet is full of porn, it’s a writing exercise, it’s anonymous, who cares. Then, unfortunately, I began to care. Sometimes I would click on the profiles of the girls who saved my videos— they were often perilously young.
The internet is such a scary place. My girlfriend didn’t think the videos were weird. She loved them most of all. Every time I recorded a boyfriend audio the first thing I would do is send it to my girlfriend and the second thing I would do is post it on TikTok. And the third thing I would do is throw my phone into the oven or something so I would never have to see how the video was received or read anything anyone said about it. I would just launch it out there and move on.
You know why I came here tonight? I haven’t touched myself in 6 days. It is excruciating. It’s a thunderstorm. I almost relapsed. I thought: I need to get out of the house, I need to go somewhere, I need to get this energy out, I’m going to Flamingo. Alone. Yeah it’s the third night in a row I’m getting drunk and going out but it’s better than staying in and stepping on a land mine on the phone and reinstalling the habit of fucking my hand again.
And you know what, it worked. I have completely forgotten the sexual compulsion. It passed. But now I’m here in this corner sitting so close to you pretty much whispering right into your ear at this point and I couldn’t help but notice… can I kiss you? Just on the cheek. Just to feel alive for a second. Just trust me. I think this is what we were made for.